It was thanksgiving 2014, the first since his suicide and I was not thankful for anything other than Bacardi151, and also Bacardi151.

I realize it makes me a bad mother for not saying that I was thankful for my kids, but the truth is that my kids' presence was exasperating my guilt and keeping me from my one true passion in life which was drunk dancing followed by an even drunker hook up.

Yes I was grateful that my kids were alive and healthy and blah blah blah...yes I was aware that life could be so much worse and yadda yadda yadda, but you know what? life could have also been a hell of a lot better.

My husband had just shot himself.....please forgive me if I didn’t want to eat a fucking turkey and count my blessing.

That fall I was in the midst of the profound epiphany that life sucks and then we all die and that my kids and I would be better off just cutting to the chase and being dead. Wow that sounded dark. I wasn't suicidal or homicidal by any means, I was just WIDOWED….Widowed and jealous that my husband got to be dead and I had to be so very alive.

I wasn't clinically depressed, or insane, or sick, I was just having a normal reaction to a depressed, insane, sick man's death.

I wish someone would've told me that it was okay to not be thankful that year…or the years that followed. I wish someone would’ve told me that it was normal to feel disconnected and even resentful of my kids. I wish someone would’ve told me that being profoundly disconnected is grief at its core.

We all know to expect some crying, maybe some changes in appetite, or a few bad hair days while bereaved, but we are in no way prepared for the aggressive throwing of cups, the physical altercations with lawn mowers, and the complete and total abandonment by people that once called themselves “family.”

Nor are we prepared for the heightened libido or lack thereof. We are completely illequipped to deal with the questioning of a faith we once held to and the removal of our self-confidence, along with our trust in those around us.

No one tells us that we might have the persistent urge to post sarcastic shit all over faceboook in-between filtered selfie posts on Snapchat. No one tells us that is okay to be pissed-off, sore from violently wailing, and completely and utterly UNthankful for the life that has been dropped in our laps.

During thanksgiving 2014, I was so very UNthankful and guilty for being so. The pressure to be thankful in the midst of heartbreak and forgiving in the wake of my husband writing a suicide note blaming me, only delayed my healing process-not that I believe in a total healing or anything, but I do believe in progress; Progress that was denied to me due to the expectations of others, and my own comparison to my perception of others.

If you are bereaved this holiday season, I want you to know that it is okay to be UNthankful. It is okay to stay in bed. It is okay to wish your children would just shut the hell up. It is okay to be grieving. The seeds of healing are rooted in honesty, sincerity, and pride that you brushed your teeth three times in one week. If you are feeling Unthankful this holiday season, own it! You are not the only one.

UNthankful

Michelle Miller

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Dear John,